


Counting Stars

by nuntius



Series: your name on my lips, my heart in your hands [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Bang Chan is Whipped, Bang Chan-centric, F/M, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Sad Bang Chan, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Worth Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-25
Updated: 2020-03-25
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:47:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23318599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nuntius/pseuds/nuntius
Summary: Untreated mental issues and healthy friendships/relationships do not go together.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Kim Woojin, Yang Jeongin | I.N/Original Character(s)
Series: your name on my lips, my heart in your hands [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1676944
Kudos: 11





	Counting Stars

**Author's Note:**

> Um, hi, this has been sitting in my documents sincce last year I think. I had 1k more of words written as part two but it was unrealistic and I hated it so I deleted that and decided to post this part and continue this once I make enough research and experience more I guess.  
> This is anger issues/untreated mental issues Chan and whatever else I don't remember this fic much except the idea I had.  
> I apologise for anything unrealistic or stuff like that, it was written on a whim in one sitting and with no separate research, Chan's issues are based on my own, except multiplied a little and some are added. 
> 
> Yeah, enjoy?

Another year, another semester. You'd think that Woojin and I, after talking the whole summer, would've been friends. But apparently not. You see, the moment he saw me on the train, he nodded and left to another compartment. Of course, that shouldn't really hurt, but it kinda did. I mean I at least deserved a hello, right?

Anyway, now I was here, sitting in a compartment alone, waiting until we reach Hogwarts so I can ask Woojin what was wrong. I didn't want to put him on the spot or anything but I wanted to know why he couldn't have brought Felix and Jeongin to the compartment I was in. They were younger than us for Merlin's sake and he hung out with them but not me.

The rids seemed to be going on forever, I didn't have anything with me to do, and I declined Minho’s invitation to sit with him and his friends.

Before this summer I didn't really know Woojin. I mean, yeah I saw him plenty of times, our beds were next to each other and we had most of our classes together. But..I've never really spoken to him? Or with him. I greeted him a lot and everything, he just never replied. I thought he hated me for awhile until I realised I wasn't the only one getting that treatment.

He transferred to our school in fifth year, so last year, before he was at Durmstrang and despite being older, they put him in our year. Durmstrang apparently had a different system than us and Woojin fit with us.

The bed Woojin now has, was previously some guy's who no one really knew. He kept to himself and didn't interact with many people. Though we did find out he wanted to be the next Voldemort or something like that so, that might explain some things.

Woojin seemed really nice though, I couldn't introduce myself right away since I kinda slacked a year before because one of my friends was transferring and we wanted to give him a good time while he was still at Hogwarts, and I had to redo my exams if I wanted to stay. So I took them again in the beginning of the year, but I introduced myself right after them.

Like literally.

My last exam was at around nine in the evening, I didn't want my exams to interfere with my normal classes so I took them at night mostly, and when I got back to our room, Minho and another guy were already sleeping while Woojin was still awake. He was reading some book, I believe it was called ‘More than this’. He looked the most comfortable I've ever seen him be.

So, me and my unused energy hopped up to him and introduced ourselves and I got a “Hi, I'm Woojin” that night. I never got anything else though. 

This summer though, it wasn't even by accident, but I ‘accidentally’ bumped into him on our picnic we have every year at the end of the year and gave him my home address. My number could've been too mainstream I think. He looked at me all confuses and tilted his head but smiled and pocketed the paper.

It thought he'd throw it away and was so pleasantly surprised by his letter a week later, that I screamed. Okay, maybe not screamed but you get me.

I learned so much, he probably did too. I kept all his letters and about a month into us talking every day, where each sent one letter, I might've started liking him? It wasn't even a big surprise or whatever but in the middle of the night, I was sitting outside where I have my tent and everything. I always felt better outside under the stars, even I don't know why, and I looked to my right and for some reason I expected Woojin there? 

It doesn't make sense really, but it felt right, as if having him there by my side was the only thing that was important. And how did I know I wasn't just desperate for a new friend? I had a wet dream after I fell asleep and I haven’t had those since I was like fourteen so that's that.

My oh, so amazing thinking was interrupted by a siren going off. For some reason they changed things up and ever since our second year, there was a siren indicating we'll be stopping.

I waited after the train stopped. I always go off last, I once found a girl crying and having problems and since then I try to go off last if anyone needs help. I never wanted anyone to feel bad and besides people look the most beautiful when they're happy and enjoying whatever they're doing.

I wonder if Woojin would greet me once we get to the room? I hope at least.

I was maybe three paces behind the golden trio. Felix, Woojin and Jeongin. They're called the golden trio because of their characteristics. Actually, one of our teachers started calling them that. I think it was Mr. PM, our teacher for Potions. He forgets we all know he's married to our Defence against dark arts teacher Mr. Potter. 

Felix was talking about something his family did during the summer and I heard Jeongin laugh. 

Chan frowned thinking Woojin won't laugh but his face relaxed as Woojin let out his cute small laugh. His shoulders relaxed and his head dropped forward a bit. Chan watched him dazedly, almost tripping over a rock. 

The higher years walked towards Hogwarts. Nowadays the train arrived mid morning, the ride going through the night mostly, and so the teachers thought that they should walk. Usually they were just tired enough and hungry enough to eat a lot during lunch. First, second and third years still drove on the carriages though.

Chan arrived hungry, though he didn't eat much. You know what they say about when you're in love, you kinda eat less because the person is always on your mind? Well Chan wasn't in love but he did always think of Woojin. How could he not, when he saw him everywhere. And sat with him in half of his classes. Makes you think if Chan was really just shy before he introduced himself, huh.

He saw Woojin talk with Felix and Jeongin, he even answered Minho’s question, whatever it was. 

Chan spoke to some eight years, who were drunk on their first night back and helped them get back to their dorms. He felt like he was taking care of children. Even the ducklings he had at home were this bad. 

Finally, he arrived at his room and saw the light were off, which wasn't weird. Minho usually stayed with others, having fun and the other guy joined him. Though there was no light on Woojin’s bed either. Actually, now that he turned on his light he saw that no one was in the room besides himself. 

His brows furrowed and he sat on the bed. He almost laid down when the door opened and in came his missing roommates. Together. Laughing. At something Woojin must've said outside?

“Good evening, guys,” greeted Chan and got back greetings of both Minho and the other guy who he really needs to learn the name of, he's been rooming with him since first year,  _ come on Christopher _ . Woojin didn't though.

Woojin looked at him and smiled then started picking up clothes from his trunk so he could shower. 

Something spiked in Chan. He got up, walked out and slammed the door shut. Everyone else got a greeting but him. Woojin literally said three words to him, so what's the deal? He wants to talk to Woojin too, not just write during the summer. 

-

Who is he to not talk to me? Why doesn't he talk to me? I just want him to talk to me, I'm not asking for anything big. So, what's his fucking deal? 

I've never been this angry before. Oh wait, I'm jealous. Great. I slammed my hand into a brick wall on my way to the astronomy tower and hissed at the pain. Let's mess up my hand as well, why don't I? Then my year will certainly be fucked. 

The stairs were soon visible and I sped up my walking. I needed to be up there fast. 

The stars were really pretty tonight. I've never called them beautiful, mostly because I never thought of them like that. They're pretty, but the aesthetic pretty, the pretty that hides so much, hides so much pain, so much sorrow, the stars we see are literally dying. 

My breathing calmed down drastically as I was up there, the stars truly do heal sometimes. 

Though I realized I might've overreacted. Maybe he's not as comfortable with me yet? Though I told him so much and literally opened myself up to him. I haven't really done that before. I might like him but I sort of regret opening up. Did he talk to me out of pity? Or did I scare him by telling him so much? I just wanted him to know me, and I wanted to know him. 

Maybe, he just doesn't want to be my friend. He doesn't look like the type to tell anyone's secrets so they're safe I guess. 

I feel like the writing was really out of pity. Or some other equally bad thing. Now that I think of it, he never said anything about his family, he never told me what songs he likes to listen to. He only told me the most basic stuff and then asked about me. Never talked about himself.

Huh.

-

Chan slid down the wall, the still summery air swirling around him. The air, the stars, nothing could help right now. 

When you have those moments, where you're overwhelmed, you need to let yourself feel them. Otherwise there's too much one day. And Chan did that. He let himself feel. And okay maybe he felt overwhelmed a lot , maybe he needed to be alone regularly. Maybe he needed to have someone to help him. But he was doing fine. He was great. He really was. He believed so, because he's seen others and how they acted and they certainly looked worse, so he was doing great.

It's just one of those moments he repeated go himself as he hugged his knees after bringing them up and watched the wall in front of him. Just one of those moments. 

“Hey, Roo, what's up? Is it one of those moments?” Anna, his sister asked. For some reason she always knew when he needed her and how to help him. 

She hugged him and he leaned into her. This summer she cut his hair and he didn't talk to her for three days because he loved her hair. Mostly for moments like this because he could cover his face and hide himself. Though he must admit, shorter hair fit her better.

He nodded and sighed, gripping her hand: “Woojin won't talk to me.”

“Your lover boy?”

He chuckled and nodded again. He had a tendency to cry whenever he was overwhelmed, out of happiness, sadness, anger whichever emotion. And that's what happened now. 

He wiped his tear and cuddled even closer to her: “I think he talked to me out of pity.”

“I doubt that, Chris. Did he indicate that in anyway? I mean you always seemed so happy after you got a letter,” she asked and rubbed his back.

“Yeah, but he didn't greet me today, he just smiled and nodded and I realised he never even told me anything considered deep about him. I told him almost my whole life story but he always talked about his favourite colour or stuff like that,” he cried.

She sat differently and pulled him into her lap. He might be taller but he needed to be small, he needed her and no one will prevent her from helping him. 

“Hey, hey, shh, maybe he's just so closed off? I don't know him but maybe he needs to know you longer. Though if he ever hurts my Joey, he'll have hell coming,” she told matter-of-factly and Chan started shaking his head.

“Please don't, he probably wouldn't have deserved it.”

“Alright, but promise me, if he ever hurts you, you'll let me at least yell at him?” she asked with puppy eyes even though he couldn't see her.

He nodded and she whispered “yes!” and he chuckled. He'll be alright, as long as he had her.

They spent the next hour in silence. Chan was letting his sister hold him together while he picked himself up from the inside. After that hour passed, the moment was gone. Chan felt normal again, his thoughts went to the back of his head and a small smile appeared on his face.

“Thanks, Bub, I don't know what I'd do without you.”

“Well, you wouldn't be listening to Kpop every night? You wouldn't know about Hoseok or listen to quality music. So, yeah you kinda need me,” she laughed and so did he. He kissed her cheek and slowly got up, helping her after.

“Bub, are you getting shorter?”

“I will sew off your knees don't try me.”

Chan laughed and grabbed her hand. Together they walked down the stairs, she going left while he went right since he was a year younger.

  
  


He tiptoed inside the room and hoped everyone was asleep. He didn't bother showering, he already did the previous night and besides, after sniffing himself of course, he didn't smell so bad. Actually he didn't smell at all. 

He changed into his pajamas and laid down, brought the curtains together and turned towards Woojin’s bed. 

“Maybe you just need more time,” he whispered into the dead of the night.

  
  


The next day, Chan woke up to muffled screaming and whispered: “What the fuck?”

He continued repeating that like a mantra as he climbed out of bed half asleep, kind of tangled with the curtains because he forgot to open them and watched as Minho stood on top of the bed while the guy, whatever his name was, tried catching a mouse.

“The fuck, Minho?” 

“There's a mouse!”

“I can bloody well see that, why the fuck are you screaming? Your pet is literally a rat, Minho. A rat. You own a rat.”

Minho calmed down and sat on the bed with a: “Huh, I do.”

Chan shook his head: “That fucking is getting into your head I swear.”

“You heard us?”

Chan scrunched his eyes and looked at Minho: “I practically felt you by how hard you were going. Seriously, ever heard of vanilla? Might try it otherwise you won't be able to have sex for long.”

Minho huffed and showed him his middle finger while Chan sent a flying kiss.

“Jisung, he's bullying me,” Minho whined.

Aah, so THAT'S his name. Cool.

He turned around and saw Woojin trying not to laugh. He frowned and looked down on himself and realised he was wearing his sister's pajamas. 

“ANNA!” he screamed as he ran out of the dorm and to hers. Though he didn't know the password. 

“Look, lady, I just want to see my sister please.”

“Password,” she sighed.

“Can you at least tell her to come down here?”

The portrait rolled her eyes and went out of the frame. Not five minutes later, Anna came down smiling sheepishly.

“I still don't know how they mix up our trunks.”

“Yeah, me neither, do you think the elves would change them or do we bring them to each other?”

“I'll ask the elves, though I must say, you look handsome on my booty shorts and my oversized, clearly stretched neckline at home shirt. How did you not feel that the shorts were too fucking short, Chris?”

Chan huffed and blushed: “I was tired okay? Just, get the elves to change the trunks, please.”

“Don't worry, I will. Go now, wouldn't want anyone else to see you like this. There's some douchebags at this school,” Anna explained and ushered him to his own dorm. 

He ran back to his room and threw himself right where he could see the space between the curtains was. He landed on his bed and closed his eyes. That'll make Woojin like him for sure. He curled up around his RJ plushie. 

In less than five minutes the elves brought everything to his room and one elf waited so he could bring the clothes Chan was wearing back to his sister. It was awkward. 

Though he was surprised by the fact that Woojin was outside the door. Just casually leaning on it which gave Chan some images in his head alright.

“You're supposed to be in class already, Woojin. You're gonna be late now,” Chan said and hoped that Woojin understood the underlying question.

Woojin just smiled and pushed Chan forward and started walking to their first class. Chan shook his head but walked along. Let's just say that morning wasn't so bad after all.

For lunch Chan sat next to Minho who sat next to the dude again. Wait what was his name again? Fuck it was Ji-oh yeah, Jisung.

They were really cute. 

Okay, so the fact that Chan likes Woojin doesn't mean a thing. He totally didn't watch Minho and Jisung hug. Nope. 

_ Creep.  _ He whispered to himself and started eating his food unaware of the lingering gaze. 

Half an hour into lunch they heard the door bang open and Chan sighed. This happened many times the previous year and it'll probably happen more times for so many years ahead.

-

I watched as the husbands walked inside, apparently angry at each other but like still walking super close. Which totally wasn't an indication that they're too in love to be angry in the ugly way. 

Draco, and his husband Harry, god it's so weird saying their names, anyway. 

-

The rest of the day passed by no other accidents, a relief to Chan's poor soul. When everyone was asleep, he took his blanket and his pillow and went out of the room without an explanation. 

Woojin was confused but Minho just told him to let Chan be. Sometimes he needed to be alone.

So, Chan walked up those stairs to where he loved being the most and put his blanket on the floor. Just for this reason he bought a super sized one, so the blanket was on the floor and two people could still get covered with it. Then he put the pillow on it and laid down.

His head was outside actually, closer to the edge while his feet were towards the inside. 

The world slowed down and he watched the sky get darker and all the lights in Hogwarts turn off. The night was so scary yet so inviting. 

The stars were visible completely and Chan smiled. He completely pulled the blanket up so only his eyes were outside and the top of his head and he counted the stars. 

“1, 2, 3,...50, 51, 52-” he fell asleep and dreamt of a very confusing boy named Woojin.

Throughout the first week, all of Chan's nights ended like this. He always woke up at dawn, walked back to his room and got dressed before he left for breakfast. 

He was ready to go up on Monday, when his sister stopped him. 

“Roo, where’re you going?”

“Up to the tower, why?”

“Could you maybe help me with my homework? I love stars and all but this year we're starting astronomy and we hadn't had it since third year when they stopped making it a must subject,” she pouted at him and he laughed.

“Okay, bub, wanna go up with me? Just bring the stuff you need.”

She nodded and ran back to her room to grab her stuff. She apologized to her friends for not attending their annual kpop night and went back to where Chan was waiting.

“Let's a go Chan-chan,” she said and he groaned.

“Stop with the chan-chan thing please,” he started walking up and she followed. That night was spent on teaching his sister all the different stars you could see from the astronomy tower and which stars are the most important. Just the night both of them needed.

In the morning they were awaken by a very frantic guy who seemed as if he'll lose his nerves this very second.

“Oh my god, you're here, Anna we have to go like right the fuck now,” he shook her awake and she slapped his arm and went back to sleep. 

“G’morning Hyunjin, how's your day?”

“Good morning, not good, not good. Anna said she'll meet me for breakfast but breakfast is about to end in fifteen and we have to get all our stuff to the herbology room since it's a different class today,” he picked up Anna and threw her over his shoulder and walked away.

Chan nodded and then realised what Hyunjin said and jumped up, grabbed his pillow and blanket and practically flew down the stairs.

Woojin watched scared as the door slammed open and Chan came in, tripped over his blanked and fell face first into his bed. 

Chan got up and quickly got dressed while almost growling: “Must. Get. Breakfast.”

Woojin snorted but covered it up with a cough and Chan realized Woojin was still there. He sheepishly smiled and waved: “Good morning.”

“Good morning,” Woojin replied amused and watched as Chan's face turned red and he ran out. 

Woojin shook his head and laughed to himself. 

-

He said good morning. He said good morning. He sa- oh fuck, that's the wrong corridor. I practically panted as a dog now, I totally missed the corridor because of that stupid, amazing, cute Woojin. How dare he!

I turned around and ran back, turned left and went down the stairs, into another corridor, sometimes I hate how many there are, and finally arrived to the last staircase that brought me to the dining hall.

I fast walked to our table and sat down and put some food on my plate. Not too much though, can't eat that much. He ate his food slowly, like his mom taught him and had a staring match with Draco because he was eating so slowly and Draco was the one supposed to close the door today.

Hogwarts used to leave the doors opened all the time so people could hangout and do homework or whatever but ever since someone decided to host a party while people were in classes, the doors were closed before lunch. 

“Okay, seriously can't you eat faster?”

“No, can do sir!” I chirped to annoy him and watched Draco’s face change info a disgusted frown.

“I'm not that old, stop calling me sir, I told everyone to call me Draco. Anyway why are you here so late?” 

I sighed as I ate: “Woke up too late, was up helping my sister study astronomy. We forgot about the time.”

Draco nodded and put his chin on his hand, patiently waiting for me to stop eating: “I'm annoyed by how slow you're eating but at least I won't have to have the eight years this morning, so eat slower.”

I winced. The eight years Draco talked about were the actual eight year however they weren't really? The current eight years bought their way into eight year at Hogwarts. Usually people stop at seventh year, purely because they don't plan on working at the Ministry in any way, but some stay because they like Hogwarts. Though this time these people actually came from being homeschooled and the eight year education is only possible at a physical school. Due to some laws, Hogwarts wasn't allowed to reject them so, now there's an eight year full of people like Draco used to be.

After ten minutes I was done and I watched life leave Draco's eyes. 

“Oh god, I need to have them for forty minutes. Damn you're sure you're not more hungry?”

I nodded and ran out of the hall with Draco cursing quietly behind me. 

-

Now, Chan needed to get his stuff because he didn't get them before. He ran up to his room and by the time he sat down and started picking his stuff up he gave up and decided to skip this lesson. It's taught by Hermione but she'll understand.

What Chan didn't understand was why they all wanted to be called by their first names.

He almost fell back asleep when he looked at the time and realised his class was actually double this morning. Skipping two lessons in favour of visiting Hagrid? Yep.

He walked outside and to the back where a newly renovated hut sat. Well it was like a few yards away but still. Chan murmured a spell and flicked his wand that he needs to find a better spot for than the back of his pants since it looks like he's pulling it out of his ass and flicked his wrists. Now, he was invisible to the world. 

He spent both of his classes down at Hagrid’s just helping him with his animals and the flowers around the hut. Thankfully those were the only classes he had that morning, the next one being divination after lunch and he didn't know what to do with himself. He could go back, yes, however did he want to? Not really. 

So he said goodbye to Hagrid and waited until Hagrid was occupied before he sneaked around to the forest. Not really that forbidden anymore, just at night.

He walked over to a spot he always visited and found it already taken. He realised wjo the people were and he excitedly ran over there though he stopped ten meters before he reached them.

“May I continue over to where you are?” he asked, sort of whispered and got a nod from one of the males sitting on a rock.

He walked forwards and when he reached around that rock he saw three small cubs and almost squealed. They were really cute, just born a month ago. 

He looked back to the Alpha and Luna: “They're really cute, you've done well.”

The taller, a but more quieter one smiled and ruffled his Luna’s hair: “We certainly did, didn't we, baby?”

The Luna blushed but laughed: “Yeah we did, hey, Channie didn't we tell you to stop asking us if you can approach? You're always welcome with us.”

“I just didn't want to scare the cubs,” he explained and the shorter male nodded.

“Don't worry, you won't scare them, we gave them one of the shirts you left with us and they're used to your smell now. If you want you can cuddle with them. They seem to be the cuddly type more than the playtime type,” Luna said and got off the rock where he and his mate were watching the cubs.

He picked one up and Chan sat down at that spot. The cun was placed into his arms and as soon as the cub smelled a different smell, she woke up and started observing Chan. He smiled and the cub relaxed, fell back asleep with a whine that indicated everything was well.

“We think she'll be an alpha. She's always watching over the other two, really protective.”

Chan nodded and smiled at the fact the the other two cubs moved a meter to be closer to him and he was completely squished between them.

He left about two hours later, for lunch, and thanked both males that he was allowed to cuddle with them. They again said that he can do it whenever and that he should really come by for a night over again. They loved having him over, the whole pack did.

He promised to come as soon as possible and then left to go back. At the entry path he saw Hagrid looking at him with a knowing smile: “Yer know yer can go in there, but next time tell me, yeh?”

Chan nodded and apologized and walked back with Hagrid. They separated at the path back to school and Chan ran back up. All this running really did make up for all the running he doesn't do in three weeks.

He walked in for lunch just as everyone else did so no one really noticed him. Until he sat down that is: “The fuck were you, mate?”

“I was at Hagrid’s. Missed the first class and didn't feel like going to the second. Did I miss anything important?”

“Not really, next time tell me yeah? Was worried,” ended Minho in a whisper and leaned back as if he didn't say anything.

Back in fourth year, Chan had a bad year. Nothing went right for him and there were problems at home due to mainly miscommunication and he fought with his sister. He was in a really low place that time, for at least half of the year and one day he didn't come to classes. Which would be normal but Minho was his best friend since they were little even though they didn't show it much and Minho knew everything about Chan.

So, Minho waited until the class was over before he sprinted upstairs but didn't see Chan anywhere. He searched almost all of the castle when he went up to the astronomy tower. He found Chan there, sitting on the edge of the stone rail and freezing his ass of. 

Chan heard him and wanted to turn around to see him but he was awake for a full week, living on coffee he didn't even like and on little to no food and he was sitting up there the whole night and just fainted before he could turn around.

Minho almost didn't catch him and genuinely thought he lost him. They were both found an hour later, Chan unconscious and Minho sobbing into his body. Since then Chan always had to tell Minho where he was going and what he was doing. And the other way around. 

Chan smiled and flicked Minho’s nose meaning “not the happiest but okay”. They had small signs that others wouldn't even think about for communicating about all of this.

Ruffling Minho’s hair meant “couldn't be happier”. Though he hadn't used that one since Minho brought him to a carnival. One day he will. He's sure of that, he just needs to grow until then.

Minho smiled and squeezed his shoulder in reply “okay, talk later”. 

Once again there were eyes watching, calculating, trying to figure things out.

The weekend came and with it a trip to Hogsmeade. Chan walked alongside a whole group that through the week came together. Somehow they gravitated towards him? Or he toward them? He didn't know but didn't care. It was nice. There was now ten people hanging out and apparently soon eleven. A girl, a girlfriend from the youngest in their new group couldn't come to school before because she was sick. 

His sister walked alongside Hyunjin, her boyfriend which Chan may have noticed is really pretty in an aesthetic type of way. Like lately he's been noticing guys more but they were all something in an aesthetic way. Woojin ruined him for everyone else apparently.

Speaking of.

Woojin walked with Felix, Jeongin, Changbin and Seungmin. Changbin and Seungmin were introduced to the group of friends the previous day, after they found them protecting a girl from one of those eight years. 

Jeongin was clearly ready to see his girlfriend, Felix was speaking about his best friend from home, and the other three listened intently. 

Woojin now said good morning to Chan more. Three days in a row actually and Chan was ecstatic. He just wished they'd talk more. He was really interested into knowing what Woojin liked to think about and everything. The talk with his sister was still in his mind.

Finally they arrived at this new bar, which you could enter on two ways. If you told them a password, everyone over eighteen got it, you would be taken to the back of the bar where there was an actual club. However if you didn't want to go there, you just went inside and sat like you would at a restaurant or something like that. It's hard to say because sometimes they did serve food and sometimes they didn't.

As soon as they all stepped inside Jeonggin smiled really wide and ran to the table they were at, where his girlfriend was sitting. While they had their reunion, Chan watched Anna look at the girl closely and then his sister gasped and ran towards her. She kind of pushed Jeongin away and hugged the girl. 

Then Chan recognized the girl and ran over there too. Jeongin watched them confused, kinda jealous and kinda angry.

Minho walked to the table: “Is this the girl who broke her first wand?”

“Oh, fuck you, you two told him?”

Chan and Anna shrugged and laughed. 

They ordered something to eat and then after they were finished went shopping a little. They bought a lot of candy and Minho had to carry all of them because he didn't want to do some dare Felix gave him.

They got back just in time for dinner and the girl went go unpack her clothes. 

After dinner the boys went to their own dorms and the girls to their own. 

The next morning, Chan went to the principal's office, Mrs. McGonagall and asked to sleepover at the pack. She allowed him, she usually does as long as he's up with all subjects and his grades are good.

So, he packed an overnight bag and then went to Minho to tell him incase he won't be able to tell him later on. The thing with staying overnight though, is that the alpha has to come and get Chan. For his protection that is. 

So, the alpha did and at around six in the evening they went into the forest, the alpha half transformed with his face and claws, because there's this girl that is actually a fae but only comes out at night. You never know though. 

When they arrived, Chan was completely covered with all of the cubs currently there. They all loved him and even the older ones came to greet him. He felt right at home and that night, after dinner and playtime, he fell asleep cuddled by the three cubs and their parents.

When he came back he was pushed out of the room with a random towel and random clothes by Woojin and Minho who shouted behind closed doors: “You smell!”

Chan chuckled and went to the showers. He cleaned himself thoroughly, the smell usually sticks for two weeks after his sleepover. He put on the clothes and found that they fit except the sweater. He shrugged and went down for breakfast.

He ate and huffed because the youngest kept giggling and he didn't even want to know why. He missed the blush on Woojin’s cheeks. He was wearing his sweater afterall.

That night he found himself up on the astronomy tower again, this time accompanied by his sister and their childhood friend Thea. They were both talking about the stars. Something he was interested in a lot but didn't have a damn clue what they were talking.

“Okay, what the fuck are you two on about?”

“Hmm? Oh we're talking about a story we read with stars who changed every night and their names. They're pretty, right?”

Chan rolled his eyes: “Fanfiction, again. Like Anna alone wasn't enough.”

He put down his blanket and Anna brought hers so they all fit and now had one on the floor and we're covered with one. They all had their pillows and Thea was talking about some philosophical shit while Anna added to it and Chan didn't even need to count the stars to feel tired.

“We're all really small aren't we? Like we're ants on a planet or something….There's stars out there we see who are actually dying and you never know if the person you see isn't the same. I could literally talk to someone today and not realise they were dying i mean we all are but some faster than others.”

They all quieted down, in their own worlds and fell asleep under the stars.

And then for the week nothing happened. Chan attended his classes, he exchanged good mornings with Woojin and he hung out with the group they were now. But the problem was nothing happened. 

He thought maybe he and Woojin would at least talk more now. It was as if he was right when talking with his sister. On Monday his sister grabbed his arm before he could go to his room and dragged him to the astronomy tower.

“Huh? Bub, I thought you were with Hyunjin?”

“I was. Sit here.”

He did and looked at her worried, did something happen?

“It's your birthday next week and I was wondering what you wanted to do.”

Chan exhaled: “And that's why you practically dragged me up here? You know I don't care. Besides I need to do my homework.”

Anna huffed and grabbed his arm and pulled him back down when he sat up: “No, that's not all, I also wanted to ask how's your loverboy doing.”

Chan rolled his eyes, his mood suddenly low: “Ask him yourself, he certainly won't tell me.”

She glared: “Don't roll your eyes at me, Chris. Is he still not talking?”

“Oh, no he's talking. To everyone but me, dear bub. Everyone laughs at what he says and somehow I never heard him talk more than a simple “Good morning”. Oh, don't forget he shouted that I smell after I came from my sleepover.” Chan might be doing well, but this thing was really annoying him and he wanted a reason. 

“I'll kill him.” 

“You shall not. Seriously, don't. It doesn't matter anyway. Did you tell Thea about us leaving already?”

Anna slumped: “No, Hyunjin doesn't know, she doesn't, no one does. Why couldn't we stay here? It's not like it's that important.”

“You know how mom is. When she gets something in her head she won't stop until she gets it.”

“They're all gonna be so hurt, aren't they?”

Chan didn't respond, just grabbed Anna’s hand and pulled her into a hug. 

The stars were dim that night.

And so, the two month countdown began. In two months, on Christmas, they'll be leaving and they still needed to tell everyone. They won't be allowed any contact until the summer starts. 

Chan tried being calm, he really did, but something inside of him wanted to know answers, and wanted them now. He wanted to know why Woojin wouldn't talk to him. He was a simple man and he wanted a reason. That was the problem inside his head for two weeks. It started right after his birthday. Woojin gave him a sweater, with a home stitched star on it. The star was the replica of a drawing that Woojin made on one of the letters and Chan kind of slept in it every night? 

He washed it of course but he did it so he didn't have to sleep without it. But each night that he put it on he felt insecure. He couldn't get the feeling out, away and it practically ate him alive. So after two weeks, on the verge of an actual meltdown, he hugged Minho, nothing special about it except he discreetly kissed his cheek.

They don't do that. Either it's kissing the other's cheek when they're happy or thankful or a hug. Never both. That was the code for “I need you”. It was the lowest sign. Or red alarm if you will.

So, that night Jisung was thrown out of the bed he and Minho made from the two other beds and Chan laid in it. Minho closed the curtains and whispered a “muffliato”. He made sure no one would hear them.

In the safe world of Minho and Chan, Chan broke down. It started slowly, though Minho could see that Chan was holding himself back. They didn't talk, besides Minho comforting Chan. They didn't really need to. Minho found out about Woojin the day before and kind of figured what was going on. 

At first Chan just laid there with Minho, just held him and Minho rubbed his back, but after a few minutes, Minho could feel Chan shaking and soon he started sobbing. Minho was never ready to see Chan sobbing. He saw him crying from happiness so many times but from sadness only three times. 

Once because he thought he was going to fail a year, in first year when he fell and bruised his knee and tonight. Tonight was the worst.

It was months of pent up frustration, sadness and all the negative feelings Chan sometimes held in. Despite letting himself have moments where he cried, he bottled certain stuff up and had a breakdown after a while. It was a normal thing to happen but it was the most heartbreaking thing Minho had seen in his life. 

Chan was barely breathing, hiccuping and choking on his own saliva. Minho had to maneuver them into a sitting position. It was half an hour later when Chan calmed down enough to cry without full on sobbing. 

“M-Minho, I'm so sorry.”

“Hey, hey, little star, come on, what are you sorry for?”

“I-me and Anna are leaving. On Christmas.”

Silence stretched over them, Minho didn't say anything and Chan was waiting for Minho to be angry or betrayed or something because he didn't tell him earlier but no anger was shown.

Minho held him closer and kissed his head: “Alright little star, we'll talk about it tomorrow okay? Let's go to sleep now, come on let's get the covers up.”

Chan didn't say anything when he felt Minho’s tears on his forehead only hugged tighter. Neither of them fell asleep until early morning despite the tiredness they felt.

In the morning Jisung only looked at the closed curtains and left them closed. Let them sleep for as long as they needed. He only gently pushed Woojin out when he worriedly looked towards the curtains.

For a week after that, Chan despite seemingly being happy, didn't talk much. He responded to people but didn't initiate a conversation. 

He was in the library, during dinner, he ate faster than usual and left, when he was tapped on the shoulder.

“Hi, Chan.”

“Oh, hi, Woojin. What're you doing here?”

Woojin seemed to think about something before he replied: “Looking for you. Worried. Ate faster.”

Chan didn't have the energy to feel happy about Woojin speaking more nor did he notice the weird way Woojin spoke. He just nodded: “Yeah, the hall was really loud and I wanted some peace. You can join me if you like? I'm just reading a book.”

Woojin nodded and went away only to come back a few minutes later with a book. He sat next to him and smiled at him before he opened it. 

Chan looked at the cover: “Oh, I've seen you read this book last year, is it that good that you want to reread it?” 

“Mmh, good,” Woojin replied and looked at Chan's book. He lifted the cover and smiled.

“Like?”

“Oh, yeah, I love it. I'm also rereading it,” Chan explained and Woojin nodded.

“Good.”

After that they both went back to their own books. It was a nice evening interrupted by the librarian when she informed them that it was bedtime.

“Oh? We've been here so long. Ladies first,” Chan said and bowed to Woojin. 

Woojin laughed and walked in front of him after saying good night to the librarian. She watched them leave with a smile on her face. “Boys,” she shook her head.

After that night, Woojin talked more. Or he interacted more. He let out little “Aah’s, ooh’s, mhm’s” and other stuff like that. He still spoke in short answers and questions but Chan didn't mind. 

Then came the day, end of October, when Anna and Chan decided to tell their friends they're leaving. It wasn't the happiest nor the prettiest thing to see. 

Woojin was heartbroken, as was Thea. Jeongin was crying because he truly started to hang out with Chan and Anna. They were all sad and didn't talk for the rest of the night.

Chan also didn't see Woojin speak much the next day, when everyone still didn't talk. At night, Woojin grabbed Chan's hand and pulled him up to the astronomy tower. He remembered how Chan always brought a blanket with him and a pillow so he brought two pillows and grabbed Chan's blanket.

Chan was proper confused and wad trying to figure out what Woojin was doing. Woojin looked at Chan after he put down the blanket and the pillows and pulled him on top of them.

“Why do you come up here?”

Chan was surprised to say at least. But he didn't show it. If Woojin wanted to talk, Chan will gladly talk.

“I like the stars. Usually can't even fall asleep without them. Most of the time when I come up here I count them as if I would sheep and fall asleep up here. It's peaceful, calm, nice. Do you like the stars?”

Woojin nodded and was quiet for a while: “Used to watch them. Not anymore.”

“Oh? Why not?”

Woojin shrugged and looked up to the stars. Chan didn't press for more and looked up as well. Still the same stars but somehow they shone brighter this time.

Woojin breathed in and was about to say something when he stopped himself. He thought it over and then admitted: “Miss you when you're gone. Bring happiness.”

Chan was curious of why Woojin spoke that way, but his heart ignored it. His heart went to the beat of Ddaeng and brought blood to his cheeks. 

“Yeah? You bring happiness too.”

And that was that until hours later when they laid down still staring at the sky: “I'll miss you too.”

The night wasn't spoken about even though it was acknowledged. 

Woojin went back to speaking with others and less to Chan and it was such a 180° turn that Chan got angry. After dinner he ran to the bathroom no one goes go anymore because of the incident with the husbands and closed the door behind him. He didn't realise someone was already in there, trying to brew a potion and they didn't make themselves known either.

“The fuck did I do? Did I fuck it up or is this some sick game? Seriously, what is happening?” he cried and pulled his hair. 

In the heat of the moment he punched the wall and cursed as his fingers started to hurt. But that pain felt weaker than the one he felt inside his heart and so he punched again and again and again until his hand was bleeding and bruised. Each time he hit he screamed and after he was done he slid down the wall and sat on the floor. 

“What did I do wrong, Woojin? What did I do?” he asked no one and humorlessly laughed. He was losing it.

He left after half an hour when all the adrenaline passed and his hand started to hurt too much. He walked outside missing the choked sob the person gave inside one of the stalls. 

The happy, ever cheerful Chan was in fact not the happy and cheerful Chan everyone thought he was.

He stayed in the infirmary because he broke some bones in his fingers and if he didn't stay he was afraid the nurse would kill him with the glare she gave him.

He woke up to Minho sitting next to the bed glaring at him.

“It's better than actually hitting someone, though, isn't it?”

Minho sighed: “Yeah, anyway, Anna talked to everyone and basically they didn't want to talk because they would burst into tears anytime both of you spoke. And Anna will kill you when you come out of here so like be ready, mate.”

Chan winced, angry Anna was not a pleasant Anna.

When he did get out, Anna was nowhere to be seen. Which was even more terrifying. The calm before the storm. It was all calm and quiet until dinner when she sat next to him with an innocent smile. 

Minho took one look at her and grabbed his plate and sat next to Felix a few seats further. Chan gulped and smiled back before taking a bite of his food.

“H-hey Bub. How are you? Haven't seen you today yet.”

“You didn't see me because I gave you time to enjoy your life before it ends,” she stated and Chan shakily exhaled.

“Okay.”

Let's just say that Chan did not go to sleep that night, nor did the people who's rooms were closest to the main room in the dorm. Chan also wasn't allowed to go anywhere without either Minho, Anna herself or Thea. Thea because she's able to stop Chan doing anything stupid by doing something more stupid so they cancel eachother out.

The weeks until Christmas went by slowly a whole month and nothing happened. They hung out, they had fun, no one mentioned them leaving even though it was seen on multiple faces that the time was indeed approaching. But Chan wasn't allowed to do stuff alone. He could poop alone. That's it.

December started and on the 3rd Chan sent Thea a howler singing happy birthday off key on purpose. On the 4th, Chan came to classes dressed in RJ pajamas and slippers. So did Thea and Anna. And surprisingly Hyunjin. Anna made him for sure. Jeongin wore an RJ headband.

On the fourth they all also sent a howler singing happy birthday to one of Anna and Thea’s friends in the normal world. She was homeschooled as part of tradition otherwise she'd be here.

And then the days started to go by fast. Days passed as if Chan was playing with a clock and just started spinning it, all the motion blurred around him. He senses eyes on him multiple times but by now, was too tired, drained to look back. He knew it was Woojin. It always was. He almost broke his fingers again once when he said goodnight to Woojin and the latter just smiled at him before he went off to the showers. Minho had to hold him down. 

Maybe, he realised, he should've told his parents about the problem and accepted a therapist. Too late now, he was deep already. Perhaps now that they were leaving it'll be okay. He fell too fast, his reactions were to rash, too impulsive, he wasn't healthy, if not possibly toxic. That realization hurt the most and despite everything he accepted it because he knew he was. He'll be better one day, but this, leaving, was a good thing, a blessing in disguise. He was hurting his friends acting the way he was and he had to heal. Had to think about why he fell so fast, why he got attached so fast. Perhaps really only time will tell. Because his mind surely won't.

He unintentionally listened in on one of Woojin and Jeongin’s conversations. It wasn't right, nor was it on purpose, but he was right there at that time and they were right there at that time and so he hid behind the wall and listened.

“You're really hurting him, you know that? Explain to him!” Jeongin almost begged but Woojin wouldn't budge. 

His tears were threatening to spill, and yet his mouth kept firmly closed. He wouldn't move, he wouldn't say a thing and Jeongin knew this so why was he pushing now?

“Come on! Merlin's sake- write it down I don't care, but Woojin how can you not see?! Even I can and I'm not fu-” Jeongin mumbled on as Woojin shut him up and kept his hand on his lips.

“Don't,” he threatened and sighed. He shook his head and pulled his arm back, but Jeongin’s hand shot out and pulled him back. He hugged him from what Chan could see and his heart burned. 

Chan stayed behind that wall, sat on the floor and looking out of the small window right at the ceiling. He saw nothing but darkness as night approached yet he stayed, watched and thought. This time he didn't cry no, he felt the urge to punch something to hurt himself but didn't go through with it because the fact that he wasn't only hurting himself kept him back. He would really like an explanation.

Soon arrived the week before Christmas when all the classes went by lazily, at least that's how they felt to Chan and homework was easy to do. For some reason the one time Chan wanted to study, to work was a week before Christmas and there was almost no homework at that time. He frowned when Miss Hermione let them go, without homework, and he huffed when Minho looked at him weirdly. 

“Oh no, it's the famous work week. Anyway what do you want to do? Wanna go and do exercises for potions that we need next year?”

Minho was the best. Truly. God did Chan love him. Minho might not be the nicest sometimes but he shows he cares more in a silent way. Like now, Chan thought as he and Minho went to the dungeons and found an empty classroom with potion ingredients. Minho might not tell you but he does love you.

They spent the rest of the day there, Chan making potions while Minho watched, talked absentmindedly about Jisung and whatever joke he thought off. 

At the end of the day Chan was sweating, his hair matted to his forehead and his shirt buttoned open. His sleeves were rolled up and all his other necessities in his arm as he and Minho walked up to their room. 

They walked in on a strange sight. 

Jisung was running around the room, naked save for his underwear and his face was completely stoic while Woojin laughed his ass off on the floor. Quite literally doing a ROFL. 

The first to see them was Jisung who stopped and blushed but smiled at Minho and blew him a kiss. Woojin stopped laughing and whined without realizing someone was behind him: “Jisungiee why stooop?”

Ouch. Chan fake smiled and grabbed his clothes before he went to take a shower. He might've realised he was acting like an asshole before but the thing was, he's been doing it for so long, it was hard to stop. It was his safety net, an instinct response. Ingrained in him. He'll mail his parents about the therapist tomorrow morning. He didn't want to hurt anyone anymore, he's hurt too many before. 

Minho joined him five minutes later: “They found my old stash of mushrooms that I keep for parties and Woojin thought they were normal because I put a spell on them to seem normal. Jisung just went along with his antics.”

Chan nodded and let the water wash away the sound of the world, Minho's quiet singing and his worries. He wants to get better and he will. Hopefully in nine months he'll feel better already. Wishful thinking.

He shampooed his hair and his body before he changed the stream of water to almost unbearable cold. It'll do for now.

Minho waited for him to finish showering and hummed the whole way back to their room. Half way back Chan joined and together they hummed like two teenagers drunk on something, if not love, maybe life. Though who knows, it could've just been a moment of two friends existing, two best friends living, Chan and Minho being.

The next morning Chan was woken up by a frantic and low key abusive hand.

“The fuck,” he responded to the shaking in a hoarse voice and his sister whisper yelled that their parents are here. 

That got him up in a second. He's been packed for three days now, he didn't have anything to do that day and now, now he wished he'd let himself pack today. To stall a little, to breathe in the Hogwarts air a little longer. 

He got dressed slowly, his sister knowing he's stalling, doesn't mind it really but still annoyed. 

“Wait- how are you even here? It's the boys dormitory?” he asks one hand inside the shirt the other barely finding the other hole.

“Clearly the elves love me enough to let me enter.” 

Chan huffed but didn't say anything elss because the damn buttons wouldn't go together. He huffed and whined and his sister rolled her eyes: “You're shit with clothes Roo.”

He nodded and almost choked on air as another hand came into his vision and stopped his sister.

They both looked at Woojin who started buttoning up Chan’s shirt.

“A moment please?” he asked Anna and she nodded, winked at Chan and left.

Chan grumbled but looked at Woojin. His eyes trailed over his forehead, the messy hair on it and went lower down to the shape of his eyes and it's colour. His eyes drank it all in, locked it in a drawer named ‘Woojin’ with hearts around it. Then his eyes went lower to his nose and the way it scrunched when a particular button showed trouble and then down to his mouth, to the shape and curve of it, how it was a little higher on left than right, a small smile. His tongue was poking out a little, just a tip and Chan's heart swelled with adoration for the boy in front of him. 

When Woojin was done he let out a small ‘Aha!” and ran his fingers over some creases on the shirt. He smoothed out the shoulders and fixed Chan's collar. After he was done he helped Chan put on his coat, in silence and buttoned it up for him. 

He watched Chan as well, locking him into memory. 

Chan didn't expect the hug at all but gladly reciprocated and hugged back, if not harder, afraid to let go. Woojin was the first to let go and a small red blush coated his cheeks. He looked up at Chan and his eyes were shining with a small amount of unshed tears.

“Have fun, Channie. Miss you already,” Woojin chuckled and a tear ran down his cheek. 

Chan didn't keep his tears in and two went down on each side. He brushed the tear on Woojin's face away and smiled at him.

“Miss you already too, Jinnie. Be a good student, yeah? Study well and eat well. Don't want you sick,” Chan murmured and ruffled Woojin’s hair.

They didn't communicate well, but in the end, at their core, they were just two humans, two boys, fighting to stay upright, to stay in this world and live in it not just survive in it. They were just two boys, with luggage, problems not ready to be exposed, secrets not ready to be told, feelings not ready to be known. They didn't know, but maybe they didn't need to. Time heals all wounds, and they're young, they'll be okay. And so they hugged again, just to feel each other's heartbeats, each other's hands on themselves and then let go. 

“Bye, Woojin,” Chan whispered.

“Bye, Christopher,” whispered back Woojin and Chan has never heard anything more welcoming, safer, prettier than his name on Woojin’s lips. 

He smiled and ruffled Woojin’s hair again, just to remember how soft it feels and then turned around. He walked out with a smile on his face, with tears streaming down his face and a heart beating fast. 

He turned the corner and saw Minho and all the others and they all hugged him individually, all said their wishes of living well and eating well into his ear. Jeongin and Minho hugged him the hardest, he couldn't breathe for a few seconds but somehow he understood. He'll miss his friends, he looked up to where his room would be, his family.

And when he sat in the back of the car, driving away from the school to the apparition point, hand clasped with Anna’s, he realised he really did have a family here. With that thought he leaned into Anna, wishing it was night time so he could count the stars.


End file.
